Fragile

I had a good run there as a parent. Today I'm struggling though. I just had a tearful "can't we all just get along" breakdown. I'm out-energized today. I feel a severe lack of serenity. I'm surrounded by toys and things and yells and screams and bickering and laughter and energy and I want to be in a dark, quiet hole. All morning I have found myself putting things away, vacuuming, making beds, doing dishes, getting things in order, hoping that the order will penetrate through to my mind. I wonder why sometimes my family and the love that lives in this house is enough for me, and sometimes I feel so lonely, like none of it can find a way through, it can't penetrate this bubble.

And I *know* that my music choices aren't helping. I wonder why I do this to myself. I was the 10 year old kid who made myself depressing mix tapes so that when I was feeling down I could keep myself there, really wallow in it. I like to think that I'm not a particularly dramatic person (outwardly at least) but that is certainly dramatic behavior. Maybe I am supposed to be living in a time full of drama, and since I don't I find myself making my own personal drama. I try to keep it to myself, but I gave my kids a heaping portion this morning.

I am so lucky, though, that my kids get me. They love me anyway. I have created my own peaceful space downstairs this morning, and they are upstairs for the time being. Nate just came down to give me a hug and then went back up. If we were still in that motorhome, I would have had to go walkabout today, but we're in a house with spaces for people to be alone when they need to. I like that.

Okay. Emotions processed. Feeling better. Calmer.

I just read back the first line of this blog post and had to have a bit of a laugh at myself. Dramatic much?